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Exploring Different Perspectives

Reframing negative perspectives and opening up lines of communication

Sometimes we can get mildly irritated by communication exchanges and other times outright offended. Most everyone has particular “pet peeves” when it comes to communication—those behaviors or ways of interacting that trigger a negative response in us. If we are not mindful, once we get triggered, it is easy to spiral into unresourceful thinking which can destroy trust and corrode communication.
Combining elements from Compassionate Communication and Personality Awareness provides a powerful avenue for reframing negative perspectives and opening up lines of communication.
What is Compassionate Communication?

Steps for Reframing Perceived Negative Communication Behaviors

When you find yourself in a situation where one of your “pet peeves” is being triggered, pause and ask yourself these five questions:
  • 1. How do you feel when you witness this behavior in others?
  • 2. What are your top 3 needs or values that are not being met when this happens?
  • 3. What would be a sane, logical explanation for this other person’s behavior?
  • 4. Given this logic, how must that person be feeling when they act that way?
  • 5. What needs or values are they trying to meet?

Could there be a positive intention behind that behavior you find so annoying?

Let’s explore the common feelings, needs, and values for each of the personality styles in some frequently encountered situations.

Exploring Connector Communication Style Perspectives

CONNECTOR PET PEEVE = when they perceive others as acting CONDESCENDING

The Connector personality style craves kindness and compassion in communication. They desire the emotional safety to express their honest opinions. Connectors dislike conflict, negativity, and what they perceive as hostile body language or tone of voice.
Connectors may be left feeling vulnerable, uneasy and hurt when their needs for personal connection, emotional safety, and compassion are not being met.
Plausible Explanation (if other person is a Thinker): They may be trying to uphold a high level of competency by immediately stopping you from making a mistake—saving time, avoiding embarrassment, and insuring accurate info.

A Thinker who is perceived as acting condescending may be feeling protective of accuracy, confident in their knowledge, and passionate about their subject while trying to get their needs for clarity, trust, and competency met.

Exploring Planner Communication Style Perspectives

PLANNER PET PEEVE = what they perceive as INTERRUPTIONS by others

The Planner personality style craves purpose and clarity in communication. They want to know details, instructions, and expectations. Planners dislike interruptions, skipping around topics, and what they perceive as indecisiveness or indecision.

A Planner may be feeling disrespected, irritated, and off-kilter when their needs for respect, efficiency, and order are not being met.

Plausible Explanation (if other person is a Mover): They may be struggling to retain their thoughts so they want to share it before they lose it. They feel the information they have adds to the interaction and must be interjected immediately for highest impact.

A Mover who is perceived as interrupting may be feeling eager and enthusiastic to contribute and stay interested while trying to get their needs for exploration, understanding, and excitement met.

Exploring Thinker Communication Style Perspectives

THINKER PET PEEVE = what they perceive as BEING CONSTRAINED by others

The Thinker personality style craves logic and objectivity in communication. They want to know the facts, the big picture, and tend to ask questions for more information. Thinkers dislike redundancy, emotional outbursts, and what they perceive as incompetency.

A Thinker may be feeling held back, limited, and unappreciated when their needs for creativity, freedom, and seeing the big picture are not being met.

Plausible Explanation (if other person is a Planner): The person may desire to stay consistent, stick to an agenda, or keep things propelled forward in a linear fashion. If they allow creativity or straying from the plan, it could cause time delays, inconsistencies, and unpredictable results.
A Planner who is perceived as trying to constrain the creativity of others may be feeling focused, organized, and maintaining their forward momentum as they are trying to get their needs for productivity, purpose, and structure met.

MOVER PET PEEVE = when they perceive others are being INDIRECT

The Mover personality style craves action and enthusiasm. They want speed, spontaneity and impact. Movers dislike slowness, too much processing or theory, and what they perceive as boring conversations.
A Mover may be feeling confused, suspicious, and unempowered when their needs for clarity, involvement, and results are not being met.
Plausible Explanation (if other person is a Connector): In the spirit of cooperation, the Connector is being flexible and trying to accommodate different preferences and opinions. They want to avoid conflict and maintain rapport. They do not want to come across as over-bearing or pushy.
A Connector who is perceived as being indirect is possibly feeling insecure, afraid, or simply wanting to be polite as they are trying to get their needs for reassurance, appreciation, and harmony met.

By reframing these example “pet peeves” for each personality style we can better understand the perceived values violations that are occurring for both parties in each situation. This process helps to foster understanding and promote empathy which reduces negativity and creates compassion.

This article is derived from the Exploring Different Perspectives activity found in the Communication Skill Building Kit.

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Compassionate Communication

Nonviolent Communication (NVC), also called Compassionate Communication, is a process developed by Marshall Rosenberg in the 1960s. Rosenburg discovered an insightful way of working through the conflict that arises when two individuals have contrasting strategies for having their own needs and values met. His process involves identifying one’s own needs, the needs of others, and the feelings that surround these needs.

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